Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.
—Paul Simon, Graceland
Just about a month ago, my husband died.
Kevin and me, one year ago
It’s tempting to make this letter about him, to tell you who he was and why being without him feels like a cannonball has ripped through my soul, but I’m not emotionally ready for that, and anyway, you already know what loss feels like. We all do.
I can’t quite figure out how so much time has gone by already. A month. I look at the calendar and I know it’s true, even though it just happened yesterday. It didn’t happen at all. It’s a mistake. It happened years ago. It’s always been like this. Time has no meaning right now.
Except for right now. Right now. Right now.
One of my meditation teachers told me, “You probably shouldn’t expect equanimity anytime soon, but you’ve been practicing for a while and the program has been installed. You do what you need to do and your practice will kick in and help you along the way.”
I’m finding that it’s true. The thing that frightened me more than anything else has happened. My worst nightmare has become my actual life. I can barely wrap my head around the idea that this is my reality. But somehow, I’m still getting up in the morning. (Okay, sometimes I go right back to bed, but I’m getting up.) I’m still finding tiny moments of, if not joy, at least contentment. More than once, I’ve found myself literally screaming at the universe, but when the moment is over, I breathe and I breathe again. The program has been installed and it reminds me…
Right now. Right now. Right now.
Am I doing well? No, I’m not. Can I see the light at the end of the tunnel? Honestly, not yet.
But I’m doing what I need to do right now, which is resting and raging and breathing and walking in the sunshine and crying on the shoulders of friends and writing you, even though I didn’t want to send this email.
Just about a month ago, my husband died. I’m still alive.
I’m still wishing you love and joy and all those good things,
Jenn
P.S. Lots of new people here! If this is your first email from me and you don’t mind, drop me a note by replying to this message and let me know what brought you to From Jenn.
P.P.S. Keep reading for what’s new beyond, you know, this huge, all-encompassing thing.
Watch now:
I made this video before Kevin entered hospice care, but what’s in it was true for me at the time.
Coming to YouTube Soon:
I can’t guarantee when it will be released (this week, I hope?), but I have a new video in the works about the last few months.
If you have a YouTube account, you can subscribe there and click the notification bell to get an alert as soon as the video comes out. Otherwise, I’ll be sure to link it in your next newsletter.
Substack Exclusives:
The subscriber vlog is on pause for the moment, but it should be back sooner rather than later. I’m just getting back into the groove of content creation and it might take me a while to remember how it’s done.
If you’re a paid subscriber and haven’t yet received your pin, it’ll be in the mail this week. Really! The packages have been packed and the labels printed. Not one of you has emailed me to complain, even though I’m desperately late. Thank you for that, and I appreciate your patience.
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love.
Thank you