Good Grief

insert clever Great Pumpkin joke here

I’m not all right.

I mean, I’m less than a year out from my husband’s death, I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that everything’s not hunky-dory, but there have been times during these months when I really, truly felt all right, when I thought I was rising out of the funk and seeing the light and potential in my new life.

And then there are the other days.

Having experienced both, I’m learning that, from the outside, grief and depression can look exactly the same—so much so that I even find myself confused sometimes. All I want to do is sleep. That seems like depression. I cry almost every day. Is that normal for grief? Sometimes, I’d rather stay home and order DoorDash for one than face being social. Which is that?

When I focus on the inside, it’s easier to tell the difference. Grief feels different in my body than anxiety or depression. Grief feels like a gaping hole in my chest. Depression feels like a crushing weight. Anxiety feels like flies buzzing in my head.

Grief doesn’t make me feel bad about myself. It doesn’t make me question my capabilities. It’s just sadness and loneliness and an endless well of tears.

“Just.”

It seems counterintuitive, but even though I’m not all right, I’m okay. This is where I am right now, but it doesn’t feel hopeless. It doesn’t feel endless. There are so many wonderful memories tied in with the pain that it’s going to take a while to sort it all out. Grief is good for that.

I made a video about where I am right now. Some of you who have already seen it have told me it can get too painful to watch, so if you experience that, know that about halfway through (at the 10:15 mark) is where I start talking about the things that help. Feel free to jump forward to there.

Until next time, I’m wishing you love and joy and all those good things,

Jenn

P.S. Keep scrolling to read about what’s coming next. And if any of this—the video, this newsletter, something I said in the past—has hit home with you, let me know in the comments or even by replying to this email. It makes my day to hear from you.

Coming Soon:

• Next week’s video is about my autumn savoring list…or how to make the busy season slow down just a little. If you’re on YouTube, you can subscribe there and click the notification bell to get an alert as soon as the video comes out. Otherwise, I’ll be sure to link it in your next newsletter.

• Here’s the YouTube Live schedule for October:

  • One-Hour Creative Retreat – Tuesdays at 2pm Pacific. No live on October 29.

    Moving to a new time, the one-hour retreat is a working meditation. We’ll find our seat, come to stillness, and experience flow with a soothing soundtrack. Bring your own quiet creative project or journal to work on during the session. Anything goes!

Substack Exclusives:

• Look for the September subscriber vlog in your inbox soon!

• If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, consider the $5.20 monthly subscription. For the cost of a latté at my favorite café, you’ll get the exclusive subscriber pin, snail mail surprises and eternal gratitude from me.