I Tried Mindful Self-Compassion (with Complex PTSD)

video transcript

I’m tired. I don’t feel like working on a video today. I’m not feeling confident or good about myself. I don’t feel like I’ve been as successful as I should be. I haven’t accomplished as much as others who have been at this for a much shorter time. I’m not sure why I even keep trying.

For the past two months, I’ve been practicing self-compassion—in a learned, formal way. I’ve actually been taking a class in mindful self-compassion and I want to share some of what I’ve been learning with you because…if something makes your life 5 or 10% better, would you consider it life-changing? I think I might. And I think this qualifies.

While everyone has access to my videos on YouTube, only newsletter subscribers receive the video text in written form. I don’t have a full script for every video I release, but when I do, I want you to have the option of reading rather than watching. If you’d prefer to see this post in video form, you can do that here.

So let’s talk about what self-compassion is, how it connects to some common mental illnesses, the ins and outs of my personal practice, and the changes I’ve noticed in my life. I’ll also tell you what the experts say about it and point you to the best resources to help you bring self-compassion to your own life.

What is self-compassion?

Did you notice what I did in the intro to this video? That was not a scenario made up to illustrate a point. I was legitimately pretty down on myself when I started working today. I’d already procrastinated for days beyond when I was supposed to start writing and I was feeling like anything I produced would probably end up dropping into some internet black hole, never to be seen again. And having that thought, I started spiraling.

That’s something that actually happens to me a lot, and normally I would chastise myself for it. “You’re never going to succeed with that attitude!” but self-compassion takes a different approach. Self-compassion treats me like a friend. Self-compassion sees that I’m in pain and recognizes that moment as one of common humanity. We all feel pain. We all suffer. So self-compassion offers, not reproach, but comfort.

Those four phrases come directly from the book, Self-Compassion, by Dr. Kristin Neff.

Dr. Neff is credited with conducting the first academic studies on self-compassion, subjecting Buddhist psychology to empirical research. As research into the field has increased in the past twenty years, the results have been impressive.

At this point, studies have been done on self-compassion’s impact on how subjects experience everything from pervasive acne to romantic relationships to challenges at work and school.

Self-Compassion and Mental Illness

Given my own mental health challenges, I was especially interested in the research around self-compassion’s relationship with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. According to Neff,

One of the most robust and consistent findings in the research literature is that people who are more self-compassionate tend to be less anxious and depressed.

And not just by a little bit. Levels of self-compassion seem to explain about one-third to one-half of the variation in how depressed or anxious people are. Self-compassion is a huge protective factor, and it’s a skill that can be learned.

When it comes to PTSD, the results are more nuanced. Higher self-compassion levels are still protective against many PTSD symptoms and especially against avoidance symptoms, but emotional avoidance, itself, can be a barrier to practicing self-compassion.

That absolutely squares with my experience with self-compassion training. During one of my very first introductory Mindful Self-Compassion classes, I wrote down a quote from the course’s creators, Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer:

When we give ourselves unconditional love, we uncover the conditions under which we have not been loved.

I’ll get more into that in a few minutes when I tell you about my personal experience, but first…I found a terribly interesting and very academic chapter by Christine Braehler and Kristin Neff in the book, Emotion in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, where they expound on the idea that self-compassion can be extremely difficult for complex trauma survivors.

Asking a person who is more familiar with being in abusive than nonabusive relationships to “treat herself like a dear friend,” as is done in some self- compassion practices, may simply be impossible for the person to do, as she has no template to draw upon. {…} If we experienced neglect or some form of emotional or physical abuse at times of distress, we will have formed emotional memories linking the experience of needing and/or receiving care with negative emotions of shame, anger, loneliness, fear, or vulnerability.

They go on to suggest that those with a history of attachment trauma might be best served by being introduced to self-compassion in a slow and measured way, starting with developing a trusting relationship with a therapist.

My Personal Experience with Self-Compassion

That leads pretty directly into my experience with self-compassion. I had been toying around with the idea of taking the Live Online Course in Mindful Self-Compassion (or MSC) developed by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer for about a year before I finally took the plunge.

Part of my hesitation was cost—the 10-week course costs about $500, although there are scholarships available if you’re in need. Another part was my uncertainty about being able to commit to blocking off two specific hours a week for two and a half months. It took a lot of research and a growing commitment to my mindfulness practice for me to reach the point where I was willing to allow myself those two “splurges.”

I should say…it’s totally possible to dip your toes into MSC without taking a live course. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, hews quite closely to the course curriculum. Both Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer also have books laying out the conceptual foundations of self-compassion work. And finally, most of the exercises and meditations used in the course are available online, in versions led by Neff, Germer, and several other certified MSC instructors.

I wanted to take the full, live course for a few different reasons. First, spending the money and blocking off the time felt like a commitment it would be difficult for me to renege on. Second, I had it in my mind that I might want to become a certified instructor at some point. And third, I was worried I wouldn’t succeed without a teacher.

I actually emailed my MSC instructor before the course started because a pre-course questionnaire asked about our mental health history and current life difficulties. When I explained the things currently happening in my life—Kevin’s cancer and my own PTSD—she gently suggested that I consider whether it was right time for me to begin a potentially emotional undertaking. I spent some time thinking about what had led me to sign up in the first place, where I was in therapy, and what I wanted out of the course, and decided to go forward.

I can tell you honestly that if I had attempted to learn Mindful Self-Compassion two years ago, before working with a therapist and recognizing my complex PTSD, it would have been extremely difficult. As it stands, I find myself in tears at least once a session as unexpected emotions rise to the surface. I often choose to turn off my Zoom camera as I take a few minutes to calm and collect myself. But, thanks to therapy and to the course itself, I understand where those emotions are coming from and have already learned the skills I need to handle those feelings in a healthy way.

MSC is giving me even more tools to deal with grief, stress, anxiety, fear, and well, suffering in all its forms. While the course involves short lectures, written exercises, meditation practices, and small-group discussions, the real magic of it is the slow and specific work of changing the way you talk to yourself. Since I started the course 8 weeks ago, I’ve felt my inner voice begin to change. Instead of being critical and honestly, kind of mean, it’s become more like a warm hug. I mean, Nellie still shows up on occasion, but more often than not, there’s a friend right behind her, standing up for me and telling me she’s got my back. More and more often, I’m hearing that voice inside me that reminds me that I’m not alone.

Yes, I suffer. Bad things happen to me. I make mistakes. I get embarrassed. But I am human and that’s part of the deal. Everyone experiences suffering and like everyone, I am worthy of kindness. I can offer myself that.

And until next time, I’m wishing you love and joy and all those good things, and I can’t wait to talk to you again.