Strong

and other things I'm starting to believe

When Kevin was ill and in the first weeks after he died, people would often say to me, “You’re so strong!”

Repeating it now, it sounds like a platitude, and maybe it was, but hearing it then—especially from the right people, the ones who knew me best—didn’t feel hollow. It felt like a benediction. By reminding me I was strong, they were, in essence, blessing me with strength. Becaue they believed it, I believed it.

In this week’s video, I spoke about “signature strengths,” and revealed my test results from viacharacter.org's character strengths test. I also mentioned that it felt surprisingly awkward to sit in front of a camera prattling on about the things I was good at. The only thing that made it easier was hiding behind the fiction that I wasn’t saying those things about myself. The test said those things.

Never mind that I was the one answering the test questions. The test, in this case, felt like a benediction. Thank you Via for blessing me with a love of learning, perspective, honesty, appreciation, and perseverance. May I go forth in your glory or whatever.

As a child, I was taught that accepting a “blessing” (whether by God or the universe or genetics or socioeconomic luck of the draw) is the easy part. The hard work, the “going out into the world” work, is carrying that blessing forward. It’s putting it into action.

But is it?

The more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I think it might be the opposite. There’s a reason I felt so uncomfortable enumerating the strengths I see in myself. Because that list didn’t really come from any outside force bestowing it on me. It came from introspection. What if I got it all wrong? What if everyone who hears me talking about my strengths is secretly snickering behind my back? Imposter syndrome creeps in insidiously, but once it’s there, it’s loud. It tells me in no uncertain terms that the reason I think certain strengths come naturally to me is that I’m not actually good at them. I’m deluding myself. Imposter syndrome says, “Don’t accept that good thing about yourself. It’s probably trapped.”

The imposter syndrome is wrong about me. And it’s wrong about you. We all have strengths and we’re actually pretty decent at knowing what they are…because when we use them, we have fun. They’re supposed to be that way. They’re supposed to be goddamn delightful! And we need to stop second-guessing that.

What if we let using our strengths be the easy part? What if we just let go and accepted that, sometimes, we’re amazing? #blessed and all that?

I don’t know if I can go that far, but I do think I can start to convince myself that the things I enjoy and the things I’m good at might be one and the same. And that that’s okay.

Here’s the character strengths video. If you take the test, I’d love to hear about what you think your signature strengths are and how they fit in with your current perception of yourself. I’m fascinated by this stuff!

Until next time, I’m wishing you love and joy and all those good things,

Jenn

P.S. Keep scrolling to read about what’s coming next. And if any of this—the video, this newsletter, something I said in the past—has hit home with you, let me know in the comments or even by replying to this email. Not lying. I love hearing from you.

Coming Soon:

• My next video will be a grief update. Y’all, it’s been a doozy of a few weeks. If you have a YouTube account, you can subscribe there and click the notification bell to get an alert as soon as the video comes out. Otherwise, I’ll be sure to link it in your next newsletter.

• Barring any surprises, here’s the YouTube Live schedule for the rest of September:

  • Work With Me – Fridays at 10am Pacific

    This is a casual coworking session where we can hang out and get stuff done! We’ll check in at the beginning and end of the hour-long session.

  • One-Hour Creative Retreat – Sundays September 15 and 29 at 3pm Pacific

    Moving to a new time, the one-hour retreat is a craft meditation. We’ll find our seat, come to stillness, and experience flow with a soothing soundtrack. Bring your own art or craft project to work on.

Substack Exclusives:

• I’ve filmed the August subscriber-only vlog, but some unforeseen circumstances mean I haven’t edited it yet. It should be in your inbox shortly. For various definitions of “shortly.”

• If you’re not a paid subscriber yet, consider the $5.20 monthly subscription. For the cost of a latté at my favorite café, you’ll get snail mail surprises and eternal gratitude from me.